I advise some people who don’t have a Dharma background that, because you lived with the person who died, you have created a strong connection with him or her. Because of that, you’ll meet again in a future life. You feel very upset at separation, thinking you will never meet that person again, but you will definitely meet again in future because of the strong connection the two of you have established.

The other way is acceptance, accepting that this is the nature of life, that after birth we have to die. Until you actualize the spiritual path and cease the delusions and action motivated by negative karma, only then are you able to overcome death, rebirth, and sickness and be free from all the problems you experience between birth and death.

Among the paths of the three spiritual vehicles, or yanas, according to the Lesser Vehicle path, the Hinayana, when you achieve arhatship, you are freed from delusions and karma, which includes total freedom from death and all the problems that occur between birth and death.

According to the Sutrayana division of the Great Vehicle path, the Mahayana or bodhisattva path, which, like the Hinayana path has five divisions—the paths of accumulation, preparation, seeing, meditation and no more learning—when you achieve the fifth of these you have attained full enlightenment, great liberation, and have also completely overcome all suffering, sickness, and death.

Then, according to the Secret Mantra path, the Vajrayana, which at its highest level has two stages—generation and completion—which can also be divided into five divisions mentioned above or into the stages of body and speech, isolation of mind, illusory body, clear light of meaning and learner’s union—when you attain the fifth of these you are fully enlightened and again completely free from death, rebirth and all suffering.

Until you achieve any of these spiritual paths, you have to die. Everybody has to die. Even plants are born, decay, and die. Even the whole Earth has a beginning. It started, it decays, and it ends. The Earth has a certain number of years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds that it will last. Then, after that, it ends. Nothing is left. Even the Rocky Mountains that look so solid now will be gone. At that time, only space will be left. All this happens without choice so we have to accept it.

As the great Buddhist saint Shantideva said: “If something can be managed, what’s the point of worrying, and if it can’t be managed, what’s the use of worrying?”

This quote is always useful in this kind of situation. It’s useless to be upset that you can’t have something. It’s like being upset that your house is not made of diamonds or that you are not the ruler of the world.

Some of your grief and suffering at having lost a loved one is not because your friend had to follow their karma, created the karma and had to be reborn in the lower realms and suffer; it’s not that kind of concern and care for that person but the concern and upset that comes through cherishing your own comfort and pleasure in having that person with you. It’s concern for your own pleasure.

This upset is due to cherishing the “I,” cherishing oneself, and then losing the object of attachment. It’s the self-cherishing thought in your mind that’s making you upset and unhappy. Then, because you are following attachment and the self-cherishing thought, and those minds are unhappy, you feel disturbed, and you believe that you are disturbed and unhappy.

In reality, what is upset is your attachment, your self-cherishing thought, not your whole mind. Your wisdom and positive thought renouncing attachment to samsara, to temporary samsaric pleasures which are in the nature of only suffering, are not upset; your loving kindness and compassion are not upset or depressed because the object of your attachment and self-cherishing thought has died.

So, it’s wrong to think that your entire mind is completely depressed and grieving. You grieve and feel depressed only when you follow the self-cherishing thought. When you stop following attachment and self-cherishing and follow wisdom, meditate on emptiness, cultivate the mind that is opposite to attachment—renunciation—and have the thought of benefiting others—bodhicitta—then, when you follow those minds, there’s no grief, there’s no depression; there is only peace and happiness.

So my suggestion is, rather than being depressed and grief-stricken out of attachment and self-cherishing, accept the nature of phenomena as impermanent and let go. Things are transitory. Everyone has to die. Accept that, and then, with those positive minds, do something worthwhile to benefit the dead person. Instead of being attached and clinging to that person—which doesn’t help and only increases your pain, day and night, and can even cause you to commit suicide, to end your precious, wish-fulfilling human body with which you can achieve all happiness up to enlightenment—do something worthwhile and beneficial for that person.

Offer charity to others who are needy, homeless or sick. Help old people, save them from problems; help the young, save them from problems. Educate others to develop the inner good heart and wisdom. Even if you have nothing material to give, offer service to others. Do something to benefit others. Volunteer your service. Dedicate all your positive actions and merit to the person who died for them not to suffer but to achieve ultimate happiness, the total cessation of all suffering and its cause, and to actualize the peerless happiness of enlightenment.

There is so much you can do in this world to offer service. So many people are needy. So much is needed. If you can understand the benefits there are so many spiritual Dharma projects that offer so much good, that purify other beings’ past negative karma and defilements so that they don’t have to experience the result, suffering, caused by their past negative karma, and that also develop their minds on the spiritual path, in method and wisdom, causing them not only to have happiness in future lives but also total liberation, freedom from suffering and its causes, and full enlightenment.

You can also perform meditation practice or recite mantras of powerful purification buddhas to help your loved one who died, to save him or her from suffering. There are so many things you can do to benefit that person. This way, there will be so much joy in your heart. Otherwise you just grieve, cherishing yourself, which is useless.